The Namesake

I read The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri for a book discussion group to take place in October. The writing was vivid and excellent. The story puzzled me a bit. It's the story of a Bengali family, transplanted to America. Their son is named Gogol and the name, which is originally only meant to be a family nickname, ends up sticking with him throughout his childhood and youth.

Gogol gets his name because his father was once in a terrible train wreck and was only saved alive because he was reading a book by Gogol at the time of the accident and one of the rescuers spotted him feebly waving a crumpled page of the book from the train window. So he gives his son Gogol as a pet name. But then there is a mixup: the child's great-grandmother has the honor of giving him his formal name, but for some reason this important letter never reaches the family. So Gogol ends up being the name on his birth certificate. Later, his parents try to rectify the problem by naming him Nikhil as his formal name, but he refuses to use it in kindergarten and thus Gogol follows him all through his early years.

Young Gogol despises his name and refuses to read anything by his namesake even when his father gives him a book by Gogol when he reaches adolescence. He is humiliated to learn that Gogol went mad, and considers it somehow a reflection on him. In the mix is his attempt to become an American, pretty much the classic struggle of the child of immigrant parents who are clinging to the customs of the old country.

His two relationships with American women don't work out, and then he marries his parents' choice, the daughter of their friends. He's known her all his life, and yet she used to read books at all the gatherings and barely spoke a word to him. Although he loves her, she doesn't return his affection enough, and the marriage fails. At the end, his mother is returning to India to live there six months of the year, and Gogol is at the last party that will be held at his childhood home. He retreats to his old bedroom, finds the book by his namesake that his father gave him, discovers an inscription from his father that he'd never noticed before, and begins to read.

It seems he's come to terms with his strange name (even though he has already legally changed it to Nikhil) and therefore with his identity and his unique place in the world.

I had several reactions to this book. First, I was rather glad that his marriage to "Miss Right" didn't work out. That would have been too pat. It would have smacked of the smug assumption that people should "stick to their own kind" and not try to assimilate and learn other ways.

Second, I didn't quite understand his hatred of his name. Sure, it's odd. But he could have viewed it as fascinatingly different instead of being embarrassed by it. We are all given names by other people and unless, as he advocates at some point in the book, people are to remain nameless until they choose their own names at 18 years of age, we're pretty much stuck with that. Of course, a legal name change is always an option. In Gogol's case, the fact that he's the child of immigrants makes the name issue more confusing. He's not only embarrassed by having a strange name, but he's embarrassed because it is the name of a man who went mad (he overlooks the fact that Gogol was a brilliant writer), and because it's neither an American nor a Bengali name. Instead it's Russian and has no obvious relationship to him at all.

We're all named for someone or something. I was named for an aunt who died in her forties, possibly of breast cancer. Strange that I got breast cancer in my early forties too. Other than that, I am named for her but don't know anything about her as a person. I used to think about what name I would choose if I were renaming myself, but now I don't remember what name I would have taken. And of course, online, I have a number of screen names and various identities. We all choose names that mean something to us here, and we are able to reinvent ourselves at least in terms of how we present ourselves in this virtual world. I wonder what Gogol would call himself here, and whether he would take any teasing because his name resembles Google?

As for the expected marriage, I was glad it didn't work out because my own experiences with blind dates or with expectations of that sort were anything but good. I know some people had happy arranged marriages or met their soulmates on a blind date, but I didn't, and my bias is against it. I felt sorry that Gogol was betrayed but also felt that maybe next time he would find a woman of his own choosing and things would go well.

"They Were Sisters"

Warning: Spoilers included in this review; if you have not seen this movie and intend to see it, you may not wish to read this entry.

"They Were Sisters" begins in 1919, with three sisters and their courtships. Charlotte falls for James Mason's character, a sexy but cruel young man who marries her and then heartlessly destroys her soul with his psychological abuse. Vera, rather cold and heartless herself, marries her young man but warns him ahead of time that she doesn't love him. Throughout their marriage she has affairs and blows him off until he finally leaves her and goes to America alone.

The third sister, Lucy, is a good and sweet person who marries a kind and decent man and they are eternally happy together. Their only sadness is that their only daughter died young. Instead, they shower their love on their nieces and nephew, Mason's children and the only daughter of Vera, the "cold" sister.

Eventually, Mason's character (Jeffrey) drives his pathetic wife to suicide, and he tries to cover it up by convincing Lucy to lie on his behalf and cover up his wife's drinking problem (caused by his mental cruelty). But she does the right thing after all and betrays him at the inquest, accusing him of murdering Charlotte with his torture and undermining. Finally Jeffrey is exposed and gets his just desserts, his reputation in tatters (though he can't really be held criminally responsible for his wife's death as he did not push her in front of the car, she darted out in front of it). Lucy and her husband end up happily ever after, with custody of all the children.

A curious feature of this film is that Mason's wife Pamela Kellino played his daughter in the film. Not only that but just like in his later film, "Lolita," Mason as Jeffrey obviously has some lustful intentions toward his eldest child Margaret. He sits her on his lap, holds her in loverlike ways, and talks about taking her on a vacation, just the two of them alone without her mother or the other children present. When she finds a young boyfriend, Jeffrey tears up his letters to her and does his best to break it off. It's clear that just like Humbert (who hadn't even become a gleam in Vladimir Nabokov's eye yet), he is jealous of his daughter's normal interest in a boy. He seems to love her unnaturally and yet his cruelty and domineering character comes out with her too. In the end, she sees through her father and rejects him as evil, and he is left with nothing. You can't help but applaud the ending, particularly when the good husband says to his good wife, "God's in his heaven and all's right with the world."

Mason was the worst sort of cad in this film but he was also gorgeous and sexy. His rare and calculated tenderness with his wife was all but hypnotic, and it was easy to see how a woman could be taken in by this sort of manipulation. I also saw a connection to "Gaslight" when Charlotte was so bamboozled by his derision that she began to act like the fool he continually accused her of being.

It's not a pretty story but I enjoyed it, and found Mason's sexy villainy enticing, even though in real life a man like that is exactly the kind to run far away from, as his wife's sisters Vera and Lucy tried to warn her before the marriage.

Dreams of Stardust

Lynn Kurland's Dreams of Stardust is another of her medieval/modern romances between a woman of the Middle Ages and a time traveling 21st century man. I'm seeing now that her stories are intertwined, as the same or related characters keep popping up in several of her books. Not a bad idea, it saves her from having to research a number of eras instead of just one.

I liked this story. Jake, a modern day gem collector and designer, is sent spinning into the past and falls in love with the beautiful Amanda. Amanda is similarly taken by him but spends much of her time feeling that he is unsuitable because he is a mere merchant and not one of the nobility. However, she has strong feelings for him all the same.

Jake is so smitten that he determines to win Amanda one way or another. He learns that he might be able to buy himself a title and impress the king with his swordplay or some other talent, and thereby make himself an appropriate suitor for Amanda's fair hand. So he undertakes the journey back to the future (our present) and finds himself in a dangerous situation and unable to access his considerable fortune.

Without giving away the ending, this is a romance novel and like 99% of romance novels has a happy ending. This story was a pleasure to read because of Jake's willingness to sacrifice everything in his modern day life to be with Amanda.

Years and years ago I had a boyfriend who loved me but would not commit because he was "too young." In retrospect, he was surely right. But at the time I was upset that he wouldn't take a chance. We watched "The Graduate" together and I was touched by the last scene, where Benjamin locks the wedding celebrants into the church with a huge cross and then runs off with Eleanor, still in her bridal gown to be married to someone else. He was so willing to make an absolute fool of himself to win her over.

Afterwards I had an argument with my boyfriend and angrily challenged him to "do something stupid for me." Well, he wouldn't, and it's just as well as his maturity hadn't kicked in yet.

But in Dreams of Stardust, Jake does "something stupid" in order to marry Amanda. I guess that's what appealed to me most, vicariously enjoying the love of a man who pulls out all the stops and takes impossible chances in order to get his woman.

Recently a man told me he read a book that told him that women marry for security while men marry to have steady sex. I don't think I went looking for security or mainly for security in a man. But I did go looking for a man who would love me enough to jump in feet first and not dally on the shoreline debating the issue forever. It's that quality that pleases me about Jake.

Amanda is the woman who is not sure of her own attractiveness. Her sharp tongue isn't valued by men in the Middle Ages though her brothers clearly adore her. But Jake appreciates her wit even when she sends her barbs his way. That's another thing I like about this book. If you get a chance, read it.

"You Never Write! You Never Call!"

Tonight Bruce and I went to a book signing at Barnes and Noble. The featured book was You Never Write! You Never Call! A History of the Jewish Mother. The author, Professor Antler, discussed the book and read some excerpts from it. She talked about the negative stereotype of the Jewish mother as being a sort of hovering, interfering vampire. We heard a few Jewish Mother jokes and even though they are dreadful I just had to laugh. My favorite is, "What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a terrorist? You can negotiate with the terrorist!"

Apparently Margaret Mead and a number of other anthropologists once did a study on Jewish families. They discussed the stereotype of the Jewish mother and characterized her as giving unconditional love but unfortunately expressing it through suffering, worrying and overfeeding her kids. To an extent I guess I fit that stereotype! She also said that for the second generation, kids of immigrant parents, rejecting the Jewish mother was a way of assimilating, distancing themselves from their roots. That, I don't identify with. My parents were the second generation, I'm the third.

It was an interesting presentation and I certainly could relate to it after we got so worried when we didn't hear from Jason for four days that we called up his Residence Director to get him to call us. I really don't want to do that again. It was quite a funny coincidence that this book signing came along right at this time. Maybe we needed a little levity injected into the situation.

She asked if anyone had any questions or comments and I spoke up about our worrying about Jason, and called myself a "card-carrying Jewish mother." I really do think I fit the worrywart part of the stereotype though I hope I'm not a "vampire." I'm also trying hard not to be a "helicopter parent," which Prof. Antler described as being very similar to the Jewish mother stereotype (though without any specific ethnic identity).

We didn't buy the book but I will look for it in the library. Here's the link: You Never Write! You Never Call!

Bearded Woman

This afternoon Bruce and I sent Jason the charger from the main post office behind Madison Square Garden. It's good knowing that there is a post office open 24/7 in this city, even though all that does is get a few hours jump on the usual mail. But this time it may get a more major jump because of Labor Day.

Afterwards we went to the Village and walked around a bit. We ended up in Washington Square Park and followed our ears to find a small circus, known as "Circus Amok," performing. http://www.circusamok.org The show was political and satirical in nature, with digs at Bush and the war in Iraq. Persons of indeterminate gender (were they bearded guys in skirts? Were they women after all?) performed skits, did acrobatics and juggled. I recognized one person, but I was not sure if it was a male or a female. He/she had a full beard but the voice of a woman. It was puzzling.

Later, I googled the circus and found an article about the Bearded Woman. Her name is Jennifer Miller. It seems she is quite an accomplished person, a circus performer, a writer, and a university professor. And the beard is genuine. She wears it proudly and refuses to be ashamed of who and what she is, though of course she has endured plenty of taunting and stares.

Because I have a problem -- hm, is it a problem? -- with excessive body hair and hair on my face, I found myself very impressed with and drawn to this woman who has not tried to hide it like a defect but instead is who she is without apology. She reminds me of the fictional character Sissy Hankshaw, the woman from Even Cowgirls Get the Blues by Tom Robbins. Sissy was born with huge thumbs and rather than hide her "defect" or have them surgically removed, she becomes the world's greatest hitchhiker.

Now here's a woman who is very much like that, but she's a real person who has lived with an enormous difference, a gender-bending difference, since puberty or so, I would assume. If I had a hat, I would have to take it off to her. I feel a certain kinship with her although I have tried to hide the hair on my face, and I have been put through so many awful treatments to try and get rid of it. Now I remove it myself, knowing it will always grow back, but I'm going to give Ms. Miller's attitude some thought and plenty of respect. I am not a performer and I can't go around being completely unconventional in appearance so I will have to stick with the solution I have chosen. Yet, I admire Jennifer Miller for having the courage to be who and what she is. http://www.maryellenmark.com/text/magazines/nytimes/917M-000-012.html

Emptying the Nest

Thursday morning we headed up to Delhi to deliver Jason to his college. I had some nasty tummy trouble on the way up there. Let's gloss over the graphic details, but just say I suspect I have irritable bowel syndrome or something similar. Anyhow we waited two hours on line for the bus to be sure we would catch it. Lo and behold, we had the same bus driver who gave us such a hard time on the way back in February. However, he didn't remember us at all, which is not surprising since he must have seen a couple of thousand passengers since then. His lack of recognition was a great relief to me since last time I thought he was going to deliberately leave us off the bus.

We got to the hotel just fine and then walked into town to scope out the route and do a couple of errands at the campus. We saw the outside of the dorm and then went up to the bookstore where we bought Jason a cable lock for his computer. Then we went back into town and ate an early dinner at the Pizza Factory.

Around that time Jason started complaining of a headache and sore throat. At first I didn't want to believe anything was wrong but by the time we got back to the hotel it was clear he wasn't well. He tried his temperature and it was elevated a bit. So, he went to bed early, and we hoped for the best.

But on Friday morning it turned out that he was still sick and in fact had 102 temperature. I realized then that our original plan of wheeling the suitcases from the hotel all the way into town was just not going to fly. So I called campus security and they sent their "Bronco Bus" service down at 7 AM to pick us up with the luggage. That was a great help!

Everyone was very helpful. There were move in crews and orientation staffers and the Resident Advisors were on hand to help also. I was pleased with the number of people available to be of help and how nice they were.

Jason's roommate arrived with his parents, his sister and his little nephew who must be around 2. They brought tons of stuff for Jonathan, including a case of "cup a soup" and a case of bottled water. I somehow doubt he will need all that but I guess just as I have worried myself crazy about Jason's needs, Jonathan's mother has worried about his. We've just expressed it in different ways.

The dorm room seems tiny and it was in battered condition after several young men have occupied it over a number of years. Jason received a huge list of all the damages to the room. Now I have to wonder, if they charge the kids for damaging the room, you would think they would use the money to FIX it, but apparently not! One track light doesn't work..and they only have two. The land line phone did not have dial tone, either. So they'd better get that fixed in a big hurry.

After we got Jason unpacked we went out to the orientation tables and he checked in. He got his ID card, and several other items including a free tee shirt and a planner. We proceeded to the meeting for students with special needs and he got his program. What a killer. On Mondays he has classes with just a few breaks, from 7:30 AM till 5 in the afternoon. Fortunately that is his absolute worst day and it gets better after that. He has no class on Thursdays but I'm sure he will need to study that day anyhow.

After the meeting there was a barbecue. They served half chickens, cole slaw and a fruit and bean salsa. It was delicious but Jason was still not well and he didn't feel like eating much. He just had some tortellini and bread. He went back to the dorm and took a nap while Bruce and I walked into town and bought him a phone card and two looseleaf notebooks to keep his lab manuals in. He didn't have his chemistry book packaged up with the rest so he is going to have to buy that later.

When we got back and woke him up his temperature was even higher so we insisted he go to the infirmary. Fortunately it is just a stone's throw from his dorm. That's a very good thing. The nurse practitioner looked him over, determined it wasn't strep, and said he most likely just has a virus and needs to drink a lot and take tylenol and rest as much as he can. I hope he didn't go to the picnic today but I guess he probably made that decision for himself.

Finally they had a "convocation" at 3. This was a lovely ceremony where the college president and department heads put on their academic robes and marched to the stage with all sorts of fanfare. They asked the freshmen to stand and formally welcomed them to the college. A few professors made speeches. The head of the Vet Science department told them he is a science fiction fan. Well, that's great to know because Jason can have some common ground with him on a subject that isn't just the schoolwork. I'm sure he will manage to strike up a conversation about sci fi and fantasy. Also this prof said that when he began as a Delhi freshman 35 years ago, he was very unhappy and hated the college for the first few weeks. But then, he decided he was going to make it work, and obviously he not only made it work but returned as a professor.

At the end of the convocation we said goodbye to Jason, wished him well, and let him go off to meet with the orientation leaders while we headed off the campus and back into town.

He wasn't really far away yet, though. So it was hard to believe we won't see him till early October. Bruce and I took a walk through the town. It's not very big in terms of the downtown area. There's a supermarket, a couple of antique stores, an occult store, a few restaurants, some liquor stores, and a general store, but it's quite small and unexciting. All of the excitement will be on the campus and not off of it.

We ate out at an Italian restaurant but had tiny chef salads. By contrast the chef salad I had on Thursday evening in the Pizza Factory was enormous. Afterwards we walked back to the hotel and watched TV. Jason called around 8 and said he was feeling better, and I asked him to call in the morning too.

He called around 7:3o yesterday morning, said he was better, and I reminded him to do something about the land line, because the professors use that line to contact the students. He has a cell phone but since his didn't work on the campus he and Bruce traded chips on Friday. However we hadn't brought Bruce's charger so Jason has not kept his phone on. Therefore I wasn't able to call him. I asked him to email last night but he didn't, and he hasn't today either. It's getting me a bit antsy but I'm trying to keep it in perspective and not get overly nervous.

We had breakfast around 8 and another couple was there. They brought their son to the college but because he didn't reserve his dorm room early he got caught in an overflow situation. So he didn't have a room to move into, and the college was putting him up at the Buena Vista motel! It sounds good except that he has to walk to the college and back and that won't be so pleasant after dark. It might mean he doesn't get to some parties he would like to attend, plus he misses out on the dorm experience. However they said he would probably get to move into the dorms sometime during the term because not everyone ends up staying.

These people also told us that some of the students had to double and triple up way over their rooms' capacities and that kids were "stacked like cordwood" with 6 to 8 in some rooms that were meant for 3. That sounds pretty horrible especially given how much crap some of these kids lug up to the school with them. Just imagine all those cases of cup a soup and the kids trying to sleep curled up around them! Jason is certainly lucky that he got his request in early.

We caught the bus back to New York at a few minutes after ten. Around 15 minutes later we reached Margaretville. Now over the two days we were there we kept seeing people we knew from BSEC. There was a woman who reminded me of Joan, and another man who reminded Bruce of Kurt. So when I saw a woman who reminded me of Annette I didn't think anything much of it, but commented to Bruce that I've been seeing people I thought I recognized all weekend. Then the woman got on the bus, and it actually was Annette, returning from a few days in the country visiting a friend! That was a great surprise and certainly quite a coincidence. I'm glad we had someone to talk to on the way home or we might have felt like lost souls. I certainly do feel a bit like that right now, especially since Jason hasn't called or emailed yet since yesterday morning.

But, I will attempt to keep my nerves under control. I expected it to be difficult and scary, emptying the nest and letting our little birdie fly free. And I was right. I will try very hard to give him space and let him organize things the way he wants to, but in another day or two I'll break down and have to call to see that he is all right.