Seder Memories

Passover has always been my favorite Jewish holiday. I like the ritual of the Seder, which means "order." Everything in the Seder is said or eaten in a particular order and has a particular meaning.

I remember some Seders at my parents' apartment in the Bronx. One year we had the Kraut side of the family in attendance. My Grandma was there, and it was the last Passover she would see. I didn't understand at the time, but she was growing somewhat senile.

Grandma drank the four cups of wine. They were small cups, barely more than a shot, but she managed to get a little giddy. She wiped her mouth with a loose page that fell out of her Haggadah (the booklet that lays out the ritual and prayers). Grandma was quite religious and she would have been horrified if she had realized what she was doing. She also took a large swig from Elijah's cup, the cup that sits on the table and is supposed to be there for the Prophet Elijah when his spirit visits each home. Must get pretty looped, what with all those cups of wine waiting for him, but I guess spirits don't have to worry about driving drunk.

Anyhow, Grandma drank from Elijah's cup, which you aren't supposed to do, and she launched into a tirade about the inadequacy of our Seder. "Lukelah," she said to my father (this was her nickname for him, his name was Louis), "you call this a Seder? Feh! I was at Hesch's Seder last night and that was something to see!"

I didn't comprehend, at ten years old, but the rest of the family was squirming. It was the first night of Passover, and "Hesch," as Grandma called my Uncle Harry, was not religious and had never made a Seder in his life. Afterwards I thought of it as a humorous episode but I'm sure no one else did because it was obvious to them that Grandma's mental faculties were slipping, and before the next Passover she was gone.

There was an annual tradition of a Passover Seder with the Calamar side of the family. Many of these took place at my cousin Sarita's apartment complex in Queens. She had the use of the basement for a big family Seder. My memories of these are vague but I do recall crawling under the table and trying to find the Afikomen. If you found the Afikomen you won a prize. I thought this had some religious significance but it was most likely thought up by someone who wanted to make sure the kids didn't get bored and cause a ruckus.

As I got older I explored Seders with other groups of people. One year I joined a small group that celebrated Shabbos together and they invited me to a Seder. We met in an apartment in Manhattan. The hosts were a gay couple who were quite observant and had koshered their kitchen. This was way beyond any level of observance I ever intended to reach but it was interesting to hear how they had gone about it.

What I remember most from that Seder is that they served a special matzoh that was hand-baked in Israel. It was round instead of square and irregular in appearance, rather than the mass produced ones I was used to. It also seemed a bit more flavorful. We also sang some nontraditional songs about freedom, and I suggested, "Oh, Freedom," with the line, "before I'll be a slave, I'll be buried in my grave, and go home to my Lord and be free."

My most memorable Seder is the one I gave the night after I met Bruce. I got a copy of the "Rainbow Seders" by Arthur Waskow, and put together a vegetarian meal. For the shank bone, I bought a doggie squeak toy shaped like a lambchop! This resulted in much laughter. I don't remember what the main dish was but I made the Charoset (imitation mortar) out of dates, sweet potato and pine nuts. It was a far cry from the traditional apples and walnuts I grew up on but it was delicious nonetheless. This was a great Seder because the ritual included some modern issues such as the environment and nuclear disarmament, and it was a model Seder attended by many of my friends.