Thinking About the Afterlife

Do I believe in an afterlife? Generally I answer yes. I've written an entire manuscript based on the idea that there is an afterlife and I have been in contact with the spirits of various loved ones who have died, or, as devotees of the afterworld prefer to say, have "crossed over." I had many experiences around ten years ago and for the next few years, that convinced me we do go on in some form or another.


I'm not sure exactly what to believe in terms of what that form may take. I have read quite a few books on the subject: Hello from Heaven, books by popular mediums such as James Van Pragh, Sylvia Browne, John Edwards, and Rosemary Altea. In fact I saw Rosemary Altea in person through a class given by the Learning Annex. I don't remember so much about the readings she gave but I do remember that at one point I turned my head to look at an empty pew behind me (the event took place in a large church), and saw what I can only describe as an ameboid blob of ectoplasm, undulating. When I glanced back a second time it was gone.


So I have to believe I have seen, felt, and heard the spirit world at various times,and yet now, all this seems so remote with the passage of years. At one point I was sure I would never be afraid of death again, but in fact that feeling has proven to be only temporary, and any alarming symptom still has the powerto send me into a panicked tailspin.


Still, some of the things that happened back then are extremely hard to explain. For instance, in 1999, everyone was worried about Y2K computer compatibility. There were dire warnings that our computer systems might all collapse bringing the end of the world as we know it, Bruce was using an old version of Quicken on our vintage Macintosh Performa, which has long since gone to computer heaven. The computer froze up on him and he rebooted, calling out to our deceased friend Richard to help him out.


When the computer booted up again and Bruce opened Quicken, it was suddenly Y2K compatible. I still cannot think of a sensible explanation for this. What could change the program in the blink of an eye? Bruce had installed no upgrades. Even stranger, Quicken remained Y2K compatible for several days and then reverted to its former self.


It was episodes like these that made Bruce into a believer. I had already been convinced by other events: dreams that came true, a New York Yankees hat sliding towards me at the North Sea in the Netherlands, bearing a strong resemblance to the hats Richard used to wear. So many things happened that convinced me Richard, my mother, and other friends who died in 2000 and beyond were watching over me and looking out for my welfare.


Yet now, it all seems rather remote. I still see some of the signs but have I grown cynical again? Perhaps I have. I do think of Richard when I see the numbers 7, 77, or any string of 7's. I know that in the numerology system, 7 is considered a perfect number, recognized by several world religions. I also know that in the Gematria, the number 26, which is my birthday and my brother's birthday, and which popped up so often in my mother's life that she became afraid of it and tried to avoid the number, has a special and very positive meaning. Twenty-six stands for the unpronounceable Hebrew name of God. When I see that number, I think of it as a sign from Mom and a special blessing.


And yet, in bed at night, sometimes when I can't get to sleep, I worry and fear death. I fear the dying process will hurt, at least in the beginning. I have seen that at the end the dying person sinks into a coma and there doesn't seem to be a struggle or pain at the moment of passing. But it is the ravages of loss of control, pain and debilitation that I fear most.


I also find the thought of the world"wagging on" without me disturbing. If I am conscious and watching from the other side, fine, but I resent the thought that the world will change, my son will live out his life, probably have children and grandchildren,and at some point I won't be there to see it any more. At least if I can watch and lend an occasional etheric hand, whisper some long-forgotten motherly advice in his ear..that might be satisfactory!


The thought that I could be all wrong and there might be nothing afterwards, just a blankness I can only imagine by trying to remember what the world was like before I was born, still haunts me even though I had so many experiences and so many contacts with the afterlife that I should be more secure in that knowledge by now. I don't know why. I had so many readings that rang true. A medium gave me accurate information about my paternal grandfather. She didn't even know my name, and he died before I was born so I knew very little about him. She could not have been drawing this information from my mind,because it was never in my mind to begin with. The only possible explanation is that she was truly in touch with his spirit.


So, why do I still have these doubts and fears?